It took some processing time but I finally figured it out! The words given to me that cut my core, shook me up and yes, angered me. I was hurt, confused, bewildered, bothered….
Here’s what happened…. Last October, as many of you know, I had a lapse in my recovery. A setback if you will. My eyes decided to go bad as result of my cranial adjustments and to be honest, I was totally freaked out! After getting emergency cranial work because my vision was so distorted that I was seeing in 2D, these words were given to me from a person who was trying to help, “YOU CANNOT CONTROL GOD!”
Now, my closest people know that I am a words girl. Words can be the making or breaking of me. I hang on to them. I taste their sweetness or bitterness fully, and ingest them. So, when those words were shot out at me, I felt the sting prick my soul like a big unwanted spinter suddenly piercing my flesh that I just couldn’t pick out. The words just stayed there. And I didn’t fully understand what they meant!
I sought counsel, read scriptures, prayed, cried, stewed, gave myself a pity party, tried to not think about it…..etc.
That’s when God brought to me helpful reading by a blog post my friend Katie had written recently and words from Corrie ten Boom in one of her books.
‘Worry is control’ is what Katie wrote. I had been so worried about being blind or not being able to see properly. My worry was obvious and apparent to others to the point that the words, “You cannot control God!” were shot out at me. I thought, “I never thought I could control God!” I was angry. But really, isn’t that what I was doing? Trying to control this crazy process I’m going through by worrying? If I truly believed that God is in control and loves me so much more than I could ever even imagine, would I be so messed up and caught up in the worry?
Here are Corrie ten Boom’s beautiful words that helped me: But we have to surrender to Someone else, to God, who is love. He is not a dictator; He is a loving Father. There is no limit to what He will do for us, no end to His blessings, if we surrender to Him. Surrender is trusting God.
It was true, I had not been trusting in God. I had been fighting Him. Battling my will against His. Believing that I can control the outcome of this nightmarish TBI mess I’m living by holding onto the worry and not surrendering to His will for my life. Even though those words stung and burned like acid, I needed to hear them. The person who said them to me knew I wasn’t trusting God and was bold enough to speak truth to me.
In essense, worry is believing we can predict the future. Only God knows our future. Jeremiah 29:11 says He knows the plans He has for us. And really, how often do our worries turn to nothing? How often have I lost sleep worrying over things that have never happened?
I’m very grateful because now I’m getting the point. I am learning to surrender all of this to Him. No, I can’t “control God” and the outcome of my health….. and I’m glad of that too. God’s hands are far more capable than my own; His power and love is immensely infinte and limitless.
I don’t know if those words were given to me out of love (at the time it didn’t seem like it) but I am sure God used them to challenge me towards rightly evaluating and processing things and so I can be the soldier He wants me to me. True, the way they were spoken to me still stings a bit but they caught my attention and broke through to me that I need to stop worrying and start trusting.
Instead of defaulting to worry, I am now defaulting to prayer and trusting in my Almighty and Marvelous God who is love.
I truly give this all unto you. Help me to fully surrender all to you, trusting in your perfect plan and please stop me from worrying and thinking I can control the future which isn’t up to me and never was anyway. My future lies in your loving and powerful hands.
In Jesus’ name, Amen.